Opus 2025-367: Explanations

I seem to have read that the marriage rate is dropping.  I know I keep hearing about how the birth rate is declining in the western world especially.  I would say that this is a result of the feminization of society.

Men have been realizing that their sex drive is not the main reason they want to be with women.  I know women keep explaining it that way about how men are animals and driven by their hormones.  But what men are realizing is that the deeper need for family, children, companionship and a partner in a relationship are more important than sex.  Women can give sex without commitment just as men can.  Men may grab that in the short term but in the long term it’s not enough.

I don’t want to reject the importance of the physical intimacy in a lifelong marriage but even affection and general physical contact is not the end game.  It should be noted that in the Bible sex is recognized and ecouraged in marriage but in Ephesians 5 Paul doesn’t even mention that as a key.  What does he say a man needs?

(Eph 5:33 NAS77) Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

Most of this long section is about the duties of men to their wives but respect is the only thing a woman is required to give.

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Opus 2025-193: Vows

I am sure that you are either married or have been to a wedding.  An important part of the wedding is the vows.  It used to include for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer and even finished with “Til death do us part.”

Cool modern couples add their own wording and concerns but there are usually some kind of vows given.  If I were still pastoring and doing weddings, there are certain things that I might want to add just to prepare these folks for what is coming.

If I were doing it again, I might want to add a few things:  in chatter or in discussion and in neatness or in mess come to mind.  I was blessed because it never occurred to my wife that I might have something to say or, to me, that I would never get to say it.

This kind of thing may be the real reason the number of marriages is shrinking.

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Opus 2025-131: One of a Pair

We have at least three couples in our small church that struggle with one spouse of diminishing mental capacity.  It may be that I just don’t get out much but it seems to me that in all the couples that I know of one of them is having mental problems and the other one seems to be relatively normal.  We have Alzheimer’s on one side and the other is doing their best to take care of them.  We have another with a condition with a fancy name and her husband works to keep her at home.   You can have dementia matched up with someone who is clearheaded.

It could be there is some chemistry going on.  Another thought is one person is sucking the clarity out of the other.  Maybe the pressure of necessity keeps one sharp.

I often wonder which one has the harder life.

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Opus 2025-077: Views of Perfection

As I walked through the living room my wife was watching one of those House Lust programs.  A couple was walking through and talking about what they thought was good and bad in a house that they probably could not afford.  I have been force fed these programs on road trips that have one room accommodations and a TV to go with it.  

The little part I picked up today reminded me of an old bit of wisdom about men and women as they enter into marriage.  Men expect the woman to stay like she is.  They married her and want to spend their life with the woman they married.  Women look at the man as a project that has the potential to become what she wants.  It leads to a bit of conflict.

I am wondering if the same applies to buying a new home.  It was that way for us.  All I heard before we moved in was how perfect the house was.  I decided I could live with it and began thinking on how to adjust.  As soon as we were unpacking I started hearing about all the projects she had in mind for remodeling.  All I could say was, “What?”  I am not talking about painting the rooms a different color.  I am talking about closing up doors and covering over windows, moving walls, gutting the kitchen, trenching for plumbing changes and, yes, even painting.

Be prepared.  Be understanding.  The irresistible force eventually wears down the immovable object.  It is a rule of the universe.

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Opus 2024-176: Winner

You’ve all heard the question about which is stronger, the irresistible force or the immovable object.  I continue to vote for the irresistible force simply because persistence wears down stubbornness.

We have been in Texas almost seven years.  Almost the day we moved in my wife started talking about a riding mower.  We are on roughly two acres and about half of it needs to be mowed.  I kept saying a push mower would be fine.  I needed the exercise and still had the strength to do it.  Every time the grass got longer than she liked the subject came up again.  A variation was hiring someone to do it.  I never wavered but she never backed off.  

Finally we came to the point where my mower blew up.  Bidenomics have almost tripled the cost of a replacement.  While I was trying to work up to the investment she planted two seeds.  One was with my son in law about fixing up one he had in his yard.  The other was with our neighbor who is mechanically inclined.  The son in law decided the one he had could not be repaired.  As far as I knew the neighbor was out of the competition.  I went ahead and bought a new push mower.  About two weeks later the neighbor came over riding a mower for us to look at.  

I now have a riding mower.

The irresistible force keeps working even when the immovable object is not paying attention.

The element that is left out of the equation is time.  If you’re just talking about now, then you are faced by a very philosophical problem.  If you add the long, eternal progression of time, it changes the whole situation.  Water will splash off a rock.  It seem to have lost the battle.  If you extend that contact over thousands of years than you began to see that the rock has been worn a bit.  In time the rock will be split or done away with.

I don’t remember this truth being a part of our marriage counseling or vows.

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Opus 2024-038: Male Assumptions

I was contemplating the issues of marriage and the relationships between men and women.  This rabbit trail was formed while thinking about a physical problem my wife is having and how I would work out a solution if it were me.  The important condition here is “if it were me”.  It isn’t me.  She doesn’t want to hear my ideas.  She would rather suffer than have my two cents worth.

This made me think of a mantra that has gone around and reinforces this idea.  My first contact with it was a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  I heard it repeated in other sources.  The idea is that women don’t want a man to solve her problems.  She just wants a man to listen.  To us men this is nonsense.  It is from Venus.  What do you expect?  It still seems to be an accurate summary.

Men problem solve by experiment.  We are rooted in what the scientific method was when it was genuine.  If something won’t turn left, try turning it right.  If your computer won’t start the first thing, you check is to see if it is plugged in.  You experiment and look at the results.  If that didn’t work, try something else.  Eventually you will get there.

Women problem solve by sharing their feelings.  I have no idea how this solves anything in the physical world but it seems to work in the pseudo-sciences like sociology.  Whether their solutions really work, men would question.  That does not matter because they don’t want our opinions.

Could this be another reason why there are more men than women in science?  Could the presence of more women in science be one of the reasons that science doesn’t seem to be working any more?  I would never ask these questions out loud.

At the risk of insulting your intelligence let me remind you that we are talking generalizations, not stereotypes.  We all know there are women who problem solve and men who talk about their feelings.  Feel free to problem solve without fear of losing your feminine mystique.  Men, feel away.  You can still be a man.  We are talking generalizations.  Learn the difference while I still have a head.

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Opus 2024-018: Marriage Conflict

Marriage has a lot of issues that need to be dealt with.  I was reminded of this when I walked into the kitchen and found a fresh stick of butter with a huge divot out of the middle.  My first question was, “Is there something wrong with the end of the stick?”  Of course, having been married for 48 years, I never uttered the question out loud.

Think of all the things you either argue about or just learn to ignore.  The classic is those who squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, but there are other causes for divorce.

Roll TP under.

Fold underwear.  

Raisins in chocolate chip cookies

Temperature for butter and cheese.

Well done or rare?

Peas in tuna-fish casserole

I am sure I could go on but my wife might come in and catch me.

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Opus 2023-253: The Whole Package

My wife will pick out certain traits in other husbands and say, “Why can’t you be like Saint Hubby?”  My usual response is to pick out some unmentioned habit of Hubby and ask if she wants me to be that way too.  Actually, I am smart enough not to ask that.

With people, like so much of life, you have to take the whole package.  I came to this while thinking about how abrasive my wife can be.  Yet she also is really good at getting close to people.  Go figure.  Everyone has good and bad traits.  Your only good one may be that you are kind to puppies, but it is still there.  For Christians we need to think in terms of the gifts of the Spirit.  I believe the Bible teaches that each person has at least one gift.  

(1Co 12:7 KJV)  But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.

That package deal is a twofer.  It works both ways.  We need to keep in mind that we have both sides of the coin just like the other person.  I have observed that many people criticize others for the shortcomings they have themselves.  And, if it helps you, keep in mind that somewhere there is probably a spouse who is telling their significant other that they wish they were like you.

And maybe not.  

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Opus 2023-230: The Answer

There are many benefits delivered by a men’s Bible Study.  Obviously you get to study the Bible, or at least that is the goal.  You have a chance to get to know people on a deeper level.  You gain insights that you could not get on your own.

You also find out you are not the only one.

Part of the time we spent together was spent in a project to help a widow in the church.  In the process of discussing our lives one guy pointed out that his wife wondered why he had time to work on church projects but not enough time to do what she wants.  Suddenly we were all nodding our heads.  It seems this is a common concern of the women in our lives.

I guess it is just one of those mysteries that has no answer, except, “Yes, Dear.”

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Opus 2023-170: Miranda Marriage

Sometimes I feel like I am in a Miranda Marriage.  That is where anything you say can, and will, be used against you.

Guys, how many times has the woman of your life brought up something from 20 or 30 years ago?  Am I the only one who has this experience?  Sometimes I don’t remember it at all.  Sometimes I remember it but not the way I am hearing it.  Sometimes I know it is not a true memory because I would never talk the way I was supposed to have talked.

Perhaps with every marriage license we should issue two body cams that will record every conversation we have and give all our actions in living color.

No.  Even then we would not win.  Best to plead the fifth and hope you get out in time for Thanksgiving.

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Opus 2023-27: A Non-Magi Epiphany

I had a great moment of epiphany recently when I was being criticized.  

We were on our way to pick up our grandson for a birthday outing.  My wife was chattering on as she is want to do.  I was listening with one side of my brain and trying to decipher what was being said with the other.  That involves collecting the incomplete sentences and subject changes in the middle of a sentence and trying to piece them together in a coherent whole.  Does, “Can I buy a noun” ring any bells?

Suddenly I realized that she had just said something about someone who refused to admit he was wrong.  Whenever I hear that I know who the “someone” is.  I started to try to figure out what my recent sin was.  It involved insisting that the map was wrong and we could not be where we were.  I eventually figured out the red letter event and, as I said, it brought an epiphany of joy.

The moment she was using to illustrate my arrogance took place before my son was old enough to drive.  He is in his 40's now so I estimate it was around 35 years ago.  At first I started building up my blood pressure over old skeletons being resurrected, then something occurred to me:  She had to go back 35 years to find a mistake.  She did not start with this morning and then move to yesterday evening and work her way backwards.  She jumped 35 years.

I don’t know that I am noted for my humility but I found myself being impressed that she had to go back that far to find something I was wrong about.

I can live with that.  I may not be perfect but my own wife had embarked on a three decade hunt for her buried treasure.

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Opus 2022-229: Not Even Ken Is Good Enough

I am fighting a losing battle.  There is nothing I can do to overcome the “composite husband.”  I am sure you have met him or at least parts of him.  He is made up of the most admirable attributes of all the men my wife knows.  Some are good people.  Some she has written off.  They all have something to add.

One guy takes his wife out to eat all the time.  The same guy never buys presents for any occasion.  Another one is great at working in the yard.  The problem is he won’t take a stand on any issue.  Then there is the handy man who fixes everything before it knows it needs fixing.  Of course he also spends money like he wishes he had it.  

One consolation is that I will never really have to compete because old Mr. Composite, if he ever shows up, will already be married.  Of course his wife might be nagging him with my sterling qualities.  We don’t have time to list them all today.

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Opus 2022-190: The Problem with Bedrooms, part 3 of 4

A good historical example of the problem with bedrooms is demonstrated by King Solomon of Ancient Israel.  He started out very well.  God gave him a wish, kind of like the genie in the bottle,

(1Ki 3:5 KJV)  In Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee.

and Solomon asked for the wisdom to rule his people.

(1Ki 3:9-12 KJV)  Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people?  And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked this thing.  And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment; Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.

And of course there was the condition demanded,

(1Ki 3:14 KJV)  And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.

How did it work out.  Solomon probably figured since he was king he could fudge a little.  After all, who knows what goes on in the bedroom of the king.

(1Ki 11:1-3 KJV)  But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites; Of the nations concerning which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love.  And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

What was the social result of this legal and expected behavior?  Keep in mind that a king was expected to have many wives.  Solomon was just doing what all the other kings were doing.

To be concluded...

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Opus 2022-026: 46 and Counting

I have been married 46 years.  I remember the wedding ceremony that established a covenant before God and man.  It declared that we would remain faithful “until death do us part.”  Not the nonsense they spout in the soaps of “as long as we both shall love.”  It is a covenant.  It is for life.

My wife comes from a long line of divorces.  In her background divorce is a common thing.  I don’t know how many times when we were going through a rocky time I had to remind her that “divorce is not an option.”  She has even quoted me to me on that a few times.  Through the grace of God and an understanding of covenant we have made it this far.

On to 47.

God hates divorce.

(Mal 2:16 NAS77) "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

The only exception given to this condemnation is in the case of adultery.  That is because the covenant has been broken.

My thinking started with the question about breaking the marriage covenant.  I cannot, or is it just will not?  Does it make any difference?  This led me to think about the character of God and the covenants He has established with Israel and modern believers. The Bible uses the picture of marriage to represent the covenant between God and His church.  This is described in Ephesians 5.  Believers as a group are referred to as the bride of Christ (Revelation 19:6-9).   

Many Christians believe that once you are saved then there is nothing that can get God to break the covenant He establishes with them.  They like to use parts of Romans 8 to back up this thinking.

(Rom 8:35 KJV)  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

That is a strong statement, but there is more.

(Rom 8:38 KJV)  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Very impressive and to be honest these verses give me a sense of security.  I don’t see them as secure as the Calvinists.

The verses don’t say anything about you changing your mind.  They don’t mention apostasy or backsliding.  They are understood to put God in a box and I don’t think God likes to be in a box.

God will not break His covenant.  The question is will He allow us to break it.  How do you tell the difference between “will not” and “can not”?  I again refer to marriage.  Just because I will not reject the covenant does not mean that my wife cannot.  It is a two way agreement.  Am I still married if she files for divorce and it is granted by a judge?

We are part of a living covenant.  It is not based on a dead promise of the past but on a living commitment of today.  I rejoice that I serve a living God who walks the daily covenant with me.  That is the kind of eternal security I can live, and die with.

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Opus 2019-148: On the Streer: Another Excuse to Party

I will soon be off to help celebrate the 40th wedding anniversary of some friends.  It is to be a surprise and so far the secret is being kept.  I have been blessed by a few people who are genuine good friends and they are in that bunch.  That is Friends not “friends”.  They are a constant challenge spiritually and intellectually. 

When I was young a couple staying married 40 years would have been considered normal.  Divorce happened but I didn’t see it much in my parents generation.  Even in my circle I did not see it.  Of course I went to college in the 60's and didn’t see any campus protests either.  I guess I lived in a bubble, but that is a good thing.

They have gone through some struggles.  They have stayed the course.  I would imagine that there were times when they would repeat a phrase that keeps coming up in marriages that make it, “Divorce is not an option”. 

Why is divorce not an option?  The only reason is spiritual.  Our culture has embraced divorce as well as a lifestyle of fornication.  For this couple as well as most of my circle the reason we keep at it and make it work is not that we are such jewels but because our faith in Christ includes the Biblical standard of marriage:  One man, one woman, til death do us part.  Anything less is a foundation of sand.

We are at 44 and still counting.  I trust we will make it to 45 and they will make it to 41.

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Opus 2017-331: Is the Pope a Catholic?

That used to be a trick question.  I am not sure if that is still true. 

Instapundant had a link to a Catholic site that was calling Pope Francis to account for some of his statements about marriage, sexuality and family.  They seem to feel like he is opening the doors to people who might pursue heretical positions. 

They tried to walk the line of loyal opposition.

“The signatories stress they are not accusing the Pope of formal heresy...”

At the same time it is clear they see the logical progression of some of the pope’s warm and fuzzy social agenda. 

The Biblical standards on marriage and the place of sexual activity in marriage are watershed.  If we continue to drift down this road the consequences will be culturally shattering.  I might be good if the pope would get on board with the Nashville Statement.  If you have never heard of the Nashville Statement you might be advised to take a look.  That is really important if you attend a church with the word “united” in your name.

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Opus 2017-300: Headlines: The Wrong Side Is the Right Side

An important statement has come out regarding where Christians should stand in the current debate on sexuality and sexual issues.  World Magazine reports on something being called “The Nashville Statement”. 

A summary was given as,

“The statement affirms marriage only as a covenant between one man and one woman and denies that God designed marriage for homosexual, polygamous, or polyamorous relationships. The statement also says God designed humans distinctly male and female, and a homosexual or transgender self-conception is not ‘consistent with God’s holy purposes in creation and redemption.’”

That sounds totally consistent with the Bible I have been reading, but of course there are many people who view the Bible as something to be revised and redacted to fit current trends.

The key criticism seemed to be,

“Opponents argue the Nashville Statement and its signatories are on the wrong side of history.”

They are right but what they are overlooking is that Biblical Christianity has always been on the “wrong side of history”.  As the Apostle Paul said,

(Romans 12:2 KJV)  And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

That is why the church has been persecuted down through the ages and is still being persecuted.  That is why the devout within the church have been persecuted and are still being persecuted.

Although it is a significant statement for our times, for those who are Bible believing Christians this statement is a ho-hum, “tell me something I didn’t already know” item on the level of January 1 is New Years Day.  To those trying to make their Christian faith a comfortable adjunct to popular culture it comes as a frontal assault.  They will need to decide which side they are really on, Almighty God or the ACLU.

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Opus 2017-254: A Lesson in Thrift

A moment for the lament of a married man.  Yesterday I received a stern lecture on thrift and wasting money.  My sin?  I had left the light and ceiling fan on in my room when I went to the front door.  Mea Culpa.

So explain to me why we went to lunch at Cheesecake Factory and spend $42.00.  Of course that included tip.  And I didn’t gag.  Maybe I am missing something here.  This was no birthday celebration or anniversary.  This was lunch.  And we had to drive 30 miles each way to get there.

Can you calculate how long I would need to leave my light off to pay for that lunch?

I guess they didn’t cover that in my college classes.  Maybe it is a male thing.

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Opus 2017-214: Middle Class Morality: Two Parent Families

Another title for this might be “The Father in the Home”.

One of the disturbing trends we see in modern culture is the growing number of single parent families.  This usually involves a single woman raising multiple children, although there are a few men who are taking on this role.  The reason this is a problem is not because single parents are evil people but because our social spokesmen are glorifying this condition to the point of making it normal.  Remember the hoopla over Murphy Brown.  It is not normal and it is not healthy.

American Middle Class Morality (MCM) says that children are best raised in a home that has a father and a mother.  Obviously there are single parents who are doing a good job.  There are also people running in marathons who have artificial legs.  More power to them, but it is not the best way to do the job.  The problem is not being a single parent but how you become a single parent.  MCM is based on Christian morality that calls certain types of behavior sin and praises other behavior.

There are two major causes of children being raised by single parents.  Both are against the standards God has given us.  The first is the modern mantra pushing sex outside or marriage.  Whether it is sex education beginning in kindergarten, advertising that stimulates lust, movies and TV that glorify momentary physical gratification or just pure selfishness, if you believe that sex is to be reserved for marriage you are labeled as a fool and a bigot.  The Biblical standard is clear.

(Hebrews 13:4 NAS77)  Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

When a society embraces this standard they have the foundation they need.  When it is ignored, things start to fall apart.

The second major cause is divorce.  Easy divorce is rampant.  The percentages are scary no matter how you interpret them.  The ones who suffer the most are the children.  Again, God condemns divorce. 

(Malachi 2:16 NAS77)  "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

When we encourage easy divorce and mock God’s standard we are digging our cultural graves in addition to destroying our own lives.  When we allow our feelings or convenience to establish how we live we lose the long range considerations that give a chance at success.

Viva la middle class morality.

To be continued...

homo unius libri

Opus 2017-179: Middle Class Morality: Chastity

Recently I was talking to a student and out of the blue he shared with me that he had had fellatio when he was 14 and wanted to know when I had experienced it.  TMI.  If you don’t know what the term means then look it up or read about Bill Clinton’s use of the oval office.  This is where our pagan culture is taking us.

Conversely, Middle Class Morality is based on chastity.  Let me remind you that chastity means purity in sexual relations, not celibacy which is the abstinence of sexual contact.  Celibacy is expected before marriage.  Chastity is expected after marriage.  America in the past embraced the concept that sex was for marriage.  They may not have lived up to it but they knew what was right and what was wrong.

Chastity is rooted in the Bible. 

(Exodus 20:14 KJV)  Thou shalt not commit adultery.

For people wanting to live God’s way that is enough but we have the modern sophists who will say, “But that applies to married people, not me.”  Okay. 

Let’s play legalistic lawyer.  Technically adultery does involved a married person sexually involved with someone outside their covenant.  Got it.  Fornication, on the other hand, is any sexual contact outside marriage.  So do a search on fornication.  You find many references to it.  Among them is,

(Acts 15:20 KJV)  But that we write unto them, that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood.

Still not convinced?  You think they are synonyms?  Then how about this verse that uses both words?

(1 Corinthians 6:9 KJV)  Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

In spite of what you may have heard by your seeker friendly pastor, in your latest Christian self-esteem book or from the guy who is trying to get you into bed, God’s standards have not changed.

Viva la middle class morality.

To be continued...

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