Opus 2026-395: New Laws: Tourist Warning

It’s not exactly a new law but I’m thinking that a new sign would be appropriate at least on one of the roads that I drive on regularly.  We have a local attraction and it has a very large entrance that is very well marked, but it requires paying attention and it’s almost invariable that you can tell the person in front of you is a tourist because they are driving so slow you can tell they don’t know where they’re going.  The second indication they are a tourist is that they drive past the exit and just kind of keep on cruising around the corner.  The third indication is when they try to make a U-turn on a blind corner where the speed limit is 60 miles an hour.  So I think we need to maybe put up a sign to warn locals and remind them that there are tourists in the area and to drive accordingly.

homo unius libri

Opus 2026-243: New Laws: Laugh It Off

Somewhere recently I read an alleged quote of C.K. Chesterton to the effect that you know a fanatic because they have no sense of humor.  I recently had an experience that seemed to point me toward a similar train of thought.

I had an appointment with a specialist to look down my throat to see why I have such chronic hoarseness.  It has been going on for years and it was time to check it out.  Well and good.

I was checked in by a young woman who seemed to know how to punch buttons on the computer in front of her.  She was well rehearsed in the steps to take to get me ready to see the next in line.  She lacked two things.  One, which is the thread I am following, was that she had no sense of humor.  I am used to kibitzing with people.  Most people take it well but there are some who just look at you or take you literally when it is obvious you are joking.  Second, although she had been trained in procedures to check me in and ask me questions, any time I got off the script I got a blank stare.  This was the kind of response of someone who is well trained in following the numbers but ignorant of why.

Okay.  She was basically pleasant even if she was unresponsive.

Enter the Nurse Practitioner.  It quickly became apparent that she was also lacking in the sense of humor department.  Since this was where the rubber met the road and I wanted good information, I backed off and tried to keep my one liners in check.  The rest of the exam went well.

I did not get into any sensitive areas, well at least not much, but it became clear based on appearance and responses that both of the people I dealt with would line up with the woke crowd.  I don’t know if it affects their ability in medicine but it certainly tells me they are not used to considering all the options.

I might suggest at this point that congress mandate a new law.  I think that children should be taught what it means to have a sense of humor.  With some it would be a waste of time but to paraphrase a slogan I have heard, “If we save one it will be worth it.”

homo unius libri

Opus 2025-403: New Laws: Tripping Hazard

I’ve noticed during our prayer request time at church that there are a lot of people who are tripping and falling and breaking things.  It can be a simple in and out check up with a few bandages and x-rays down to long range plans for healing.  It’s a serious problem.

I think it may be time for the federal government to step in and start regulating tripping hazards.  The one that brings this to mind in my case is our cat.  My wife is out of town and I am having to deal with the little beast.  As long as he leaves me alone we get along fine.  The problem. if you have a cat you know, is that he will come up and act like he wants affection, and when you start petting him, the claws come out and you end up with bloody trails down your arm. So I feed him, let him outside, and basically ignore him.

The problem under discussion is that he seems to have a genuine desire to bring me down.  When I let him come in the house, he follows me around, winding around my feet and getting in the way.  Even when he wants me to let him outside and I start toward the door, he keeps stopping right in front of me and turning around to see if I’m following.  He is a disaster waiting to happen.

My proposal is a federal regulation requiring all cats to be tagged with a warning label stating that they are a tripping hazard.  If we could develop the technology, it might be a good idea to mount a loudspeaker on their back and when anyone gets close enough to face disaster, it lets off an alarm or an announcement, “Back off, buster!”

My proposal is not trying to butt into your life.  It’s just that I want you to be safe.  I care about your health.  If I can find a sponsor in the federal government, I will then be able to say, “ I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.”  If I do it right I am sure I can generate a nice, hefty salary for myself.  And I especially will be on the lookout for those of you who resist the sensitivity and loving care that your government wants to offer you.

homo unius libri

Opus 2025-165: New Laws: What about the Cat?

If you have been in to see any medical professional recently, they probably have been asking you questions which the federal government feels are necessary to be asked.  When I went into the ER recently, they wanted to know if I could prepare my own meals.  They wanted to know if I could drive myself to my own appointments. They want to know if I felt insecure in my home.  They asked me about rugs.

How come they asked me about rugs, but never asked me if I have a cat?  Yes, rugs can be a problem, but at least they stay put and you have to trip over them as you walk down the hall.  Cats have a very annoying habit of appearing out of nowhere and inserting themselves into the most awkward places as you try to make any kind of move.  I’ve gotten much closer to falling from my wife’s cat then I have from throw rugs.

Maybe we need a new federal regulation from some mysterious agency requiring them to ask us about whether we have cats in the home.  It might require training the cats by federally licenced professionals to not trip people and a government certificate to show we have complied.  I feel free to share this because I doubt if any Democrats ever read anything I write.

homo unius libri

Opus 2024-409: New Laws: Save a Cow

I think we need to have the federal government step in with some new regulations to try and strengthen the dairy industry.  I’m speaking of course of the need to regulate coffee drinkers and require them to include creamer in their drinks.

We would start off with a requirement of quantity.  The question is how much creamer is necessary in order to make coffee safe for the population to drink.  In my opinion it is zero but that would not go well with the beta male administrators needing to control the lives of other people.  I know that I used to make it more like a coffee flavored malt but as my taste buds died and I became calorie conscious I weaned myself.  How anti-social.  How filled with hatred for the dairy farmers of America.

Then we need to look at the quality.  What would be the butterfat level required?  What would be necessary to label it as organic?  Could we have a vegan version?  Would we allow the product to be imported?

We might require non-dairy creamers to either include a small amount of the real deal or pay a fee for their opting out.

This, of course would require a whole new bureaucracy to regulate.  We would need millions of dollars in government funds, possibly billions of dollars, to do research in order to come up with the correct amount of creamer required.

You thought they had taxed and regulated everything.  You just lack imagination.

homo unius libri

Opus 2022-187: New Laws: Truth in Plagiarism

We need a new law.  We need it to be required that when someone uses Babylon Bee material that it be clearly labeled.  After spending time looking at the news and raising my eyebrows at some of the click-bait, I go to The Bee and find the same “articles”.  

I enjoy the Babylon Bee.  They are closer to the truth than the so called “real” media.  At the same time it is good to know that their satire is written with the spirit of poking fun at the world.  It is getting to the point where you can’t believe anything you read except the Bee and they are not claiming to be true, just accurate.

I may need to change my morning routine and read the Babylon Bee first and then the news sites.  It will save me some time.  I might even learn more.

homo unius libri

Opus 2020-010: New Law: Truth in Labeling

I am tired of being fooled on the internet.  I think we need some Truth in Posting laws to go along with truth in advertising, lending and such.  I am referring to the false claims of unattributed links.  This thinking started with the numerous uses of Babylon Bee ideas. 

I would suggest that emojis be required to tell us if the information being passed came from a humor or satire site or if it was intended as satire by the authors.  Maybe we could have certain fonts reserved for specific venues.  It is amazing how many people have no sense of humor or discernment and can go off thinking that the Democrats actually wanted to fly flags at half mast to honor the recent Iranian general’s demise.  This could cause people of the left to look like fools because they act like these stories are true.  They are laughable enough without this added aggravation. 

While we are at it we might require that sites like the New York Times and Washington Post have an emoji all their own.  It would also help to have links that require you to sign in or subscribe to get the whole story be labeled and save us time.

I am getting old.  I don’t have time to waste.  Do we need a Constitutional Amendment for this?

homo unius libri

Opus 2020-002: New Laws: An Electoral High School

We need to establish something along the lines of the Electoral College in regard to state government.  What brings this to my mind is the takeover of the Virginia state government my the left.  It is an example of what happens when the example of California is followed by another state. 

We see how a few large cities can rob the rest of the citizens of the liberty they have always known.  In California you have the population of the Los Angeles metropolitan area that makes up almost half the states population.  Add the other large cities and most of the state has nothing to say about what goes on.  In New York once you get outside of the NYC area everything gets conservative.

The Founders understood this potential problem.  In fact the debates leading up to the Constitution reflected this concern as the populous states wanted a congress based on population while the smaller states wanted it to be equal between states.  This led to the compromise of a two house legislature.  Each one was based on the concerns of one type of state and the checks and balances were maintained.  States should be forced to adopt the same pattern for their state legislatures so that rural people would not be overwhelmed by the tyranny of the cities.

The electoral college is the means of applying this to the executive branch. 

I would suggest that states adopt a form of the Electoral College bicameral checks and balance like we have in congress.  Maybe we could call it the Electoral High School.  The purpose of the checks and balances were to protect the minority from dominance by the majority.  Let’s extend it to the state level.  In Virginia around 90% of the counties have joined a Sanctuary County movement in regard to the threats to gun ownership from the statehouse.  If one of the houses of the state legislature were made up of equal representation by the counties this would not be happening.  I am not sure how it would effect the governorship.

homo unius libri

Opus 2019-208: New Laws: Semi-Free Enterprise

I am wondering if it isn’t time to start putting limits on how big a company can get.  If you look at all of the social engineering going on you see that much of it is being done by people with a big piece of the pie.  Recently Walmart joined the chorus.  They don’t have a monopoly on anything but their long run of success has made them the only option in some parts of the country.  When you don’t have to compete you can become a Social Justice Warrior.  We keep hearing how You Tube, Facebook and Google blatantly discriminate against their political opponents. 

The wake up call should have been Alex Jones.  I didn’t know much about him except he had a powerful marketing program.  For a time on my new smart phone I would swipe left and see what the big stories of the day were.  It seemed like most days the first three were Alex Jones.  I only listened to a few minutes here and there and came to believe that if we could put aside the bombast and hype I would probably agree with him on most big issues.  They went for him and got him out of the limelight.  How many others have they done this to.

The problem is that we don’t want the government to pass laws and hire regulators to deal with the issue.  Although the target is irresponsible corporations it will only get worse if we give the government more power.  At least it has in the past.  So no, I don’t think we need more laws.  What I think we need is a groundswell of public opinion in which people look up from their smart phones and uninstall the apps.  We need to make it a similar situation to what Hollywood is facing.  They make $40,000,000 blockbusters and no one buys tickets.  Eventually they will run out of money.  Eventually the people subsidizing them will stop bailing them out.  The same goes for Facebook.  What would happen if every business run by someone who cares about liberty would remove the icon from their website? 

Until we are willing to change our behavior we need to understand the government cannot save us.  I guess the new law we need is a law against making new laws.

Meanwhile 2020 is coming.  If you are willing to vote the suckers out then don’t forget to vote.  If you are going for samo-samo then stay home and tweet.

homo unius libri

Opus 2019-126: New Laws: Minority Opinion

What minority groups am I a part of?

The list is as long as I want to make it.  I would start with being a serious Christian.  I am not sure what kind of label to use for that because all of them have their baggage, but that gives you an idea.  From there I can proceed down a long list to being someone with big feet.

We all face discrimination of one sort or another.  Let me take the most ridiculous example, big feet, and give extreme applications to make my point.  People with big feet cannot go out and buy shoes at just any shoe store.  You normal people can probably walk in, look at the display on the wall, make a choice and take it home.  I have never been able to do that.  When I was young and my feet were smaller, my parents had little money.  By the time I was in Junior High I was in a size 14 and in those days all that got you were guffaws. 

This is serious.  I saw a kid wearing iridescent, lime green kicks the other day.  I wanted some.  My first pair of the current style athletic shoes were bright orange Nikes.  I found them at an outlet mall for $10.  It was awesome.  Since then I have found some glowing yellow Under Armors and I have a pair of red New Balance.  Lime green I have not been able to find.  It makes me feel less of a human being and a victim of small feet privilege.  It isn’t fair.  I demand justice.

I cannot sit comfortably in restaurant booths.  Have you ever tried to move a pair of size 17's past the pole holding up the table?  Have you ever tried to keep you toes from being stepped on?  If you have not then you don’t know the daily trauma that I must live with. 

I cannot participate in fun activities such as roller skating or skiing.  They require special shoes and most people just walk up and state their size.  They get skates.  I get giggles.  I am excluded from my rightful place in society.

Now picture how our world would change if my “rights” were guaranteed by legislation.  Every manufacturer would be forced to make every style in all sizes.  Every store would be required to carry them in stock.  Either shoes would get too expensive for anyone or the shoe business would curl up and die, leaving people bare footed.  I guess another choice would to only have one style of shoe so they would have room in the back for all sizes.

Ridiculous?  Of course.  But it would be fair.  It would make me feel safe and avoid any hint of discrimination.  Multiply that by the accommodations that would need to be made for every variance in the human condition.  Life is not fair.  Deal with it.

homo unius libri

Opus 2019-041: New Laws: Putting the Rest Back in Restroom

I have found a new set of government regulations that we need to keep people secure in their personal lives.  We must establish some guidelines on public restrooms.  As I get older this is getting to be a bigger problem.  I am not referring to wondering which door to go through.  It is the fixtures that are messing with my mind.

I find myself having anxiety attacks because of all the variety I face.  Your first question is, “Will this flush itself?”  Even if it looks like it will, the wait for confirmation can be unsettling.  How long should I have to wait for the “whooosh”?  I would suggest a large federal grant to find the perfect pause for flushing.

Then there is the question of washing your hands.  Will it be sensor controlled or require active participation.  The sink it easy:  If there are no handles it is automatic.  What gets me is the soap dispenser.  Do I press a button or a lever?  Is the lever on the top, bottom or front?  Is it totally automatic?  Then you have the towel question.  Lever or sensor?  Some sort of standard is needed.  Maybe automatic could be green and manual red.  Perhaps we could have a requirement that everything be either automatic or manual and make a mandatory notice be posted at each entrance. 

The current situation makes me uneasy.  I need assurance and a safe space to do my business.

homo unius libri

Opus 2018-177: New Laws: Open Wide

I don’t know if you have seen the meme about open borders and open doors.  The idea is that if you are in favor of open borders you should never close or lock your front door.  It should be open to show how you welcome the entire world into your life.  I used this illustration for years when I was teaching and immigration came up.  I am glad to see it making the net.

My suggestion is that we need a government agency and federal program to keep track of all people who are in favor of open borders.  We would then have a team of agents visit their homes when they are not looking and remove all locks from their doors.  They should also determine if there are any safes and jam them so they will not close.  (Obviously this will not cause gun safes to be left open because these people also are against guns).  With enough care you could also find out all their passwords and account numbers so that they would really be open in their lives.  The team would do the same for their cars and RV’s.  Finally they would remove all fences and security systems. 

We need to let the law of unintended consequences introduce these unicorn riders to the laws of cause and effect.  Physics and human nature will still operate no matter how much they deny it.

homo unius libri