Opus 2025-403: New Laws: Tripping Hazard

I’ve noticed during our prayer request time at church that there are a lot of people who are tripping and falling and breaking things.  It can be a simple in and out check up with a few bandages and x-rays down to long range plans for healing.  It’s a serious problem.

I think it may be time for the federal government to step in and start regulating tripping hazards.  The one that brings this to mind in my case is our cat.  My wife is out of town and I am having to deal with the little beast.  As long as he leaves me alone we get along fine.  The problem. if you have a cat you know, is that he will come up and act like he wants affection, and when you start petting him, the claws come out and you end up with bloody trails down your arm. So I feed him, let him outside, and basically ignore him.

The problem under discussion is that he seems to have a genuine desire to bring me down.  When I let him come in the house, he follows me around, winding around my feet and getting in the way.  Even when he wants me to let him outside and I start toward the door, he keeps stopping right in front of me and turning around to see if I’m following.  He is a disaster waiting to happen.

My proposal is a federal regulation requiring all cats to be tagged with a warning label stating that they are a tripping hazard.  If we could develop the technology, it might be a good idea to mount a loudspeaker on their back and when anyone gets close enough to face disaster, it lets off an alarm or an announcement, “Back off, buster!”

My proposal is not trying to butt into your life.  It’s just that I want you to be safe.  I care about your health.  If I can find a sponsor in the federal government, I will then be able to say, “ I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.”  If I do it right I am sure I can generate a nice, hefty salary for myself.  And I especially will be on the lookout for those of you who resist the sensitivity and loving care that your government wants to offer you.

homo unius libri